We went to Cleveland for the second half of your brothers' spring break. Mom took them to Rehoboth Beach for most of last week and then on Friday we went to Cleveland. On Friday night we went to see the Indians play the Yankees (for Joe, who loves the Yanks); on Saturday we went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (for Jack, me and Mom, who love Rock and Roll); and on Saturday night we went to visit Mom's college roommate and great friend, Jane Esselstyn and her kids.

As always, I was thinking of you and remembering my past visits to Cleveland. I thought about the last two times I was there. One was on my way back from dropping the cells off with Dr. Hughes in Detroit. I had driven from New York City through a hurricane to get the biopsied cells to his lab for analysis. I then turned right back and headed towards Mom in New York, only stopping for about 4-5 hours sleep in a hotel off the highway near Cleveland. And the last time was on my way back from Minnesota after your transplant. You, Jack and Mom flew on the Honeywell corporate jet home, and I drove our green Isuzu Rodeo, with our stuff piled up inside, back to DC. My first stop was in Madison, Wisconsin and my last stop was in Cleveland, where I had dinner and stayed overnight with Karen and Chip and their brood.

Karen is still in China. Mom got an email from her yesterday. Mom remembered the trips we made to Cleveland for Karen's wedding and Jane's wedding. What we didn't talk about was the stop we made there on the way to Minneapolis. Strangely, when I got online today I got an email alert (I'll explain those later) that gave me this link...

http://www.nytimes.com/2001/07/01/magazine/01FANCONI-JOURNAL.html?ex=1209528000&en=2175d59d0515b521&ei=5070

Google must have just indexed the New York Times archives from 2001 or something. It was a weird coincidence. Mom's description of "what felt like the longest walk around any block ever," really brought me back. I always think that if I ever have to remind myself that I have the courage to do anything, I will think back to when I removed your respirator so you could die. Mom has done some incredibly brave things and that walk is one of the bravest.

This trip had no great drama, but it was great all the same.



We went to Jacobs Field, where Mom and I went to a game the weekend of Karen and Chip's wedding, and watched a decent slugfest that the Indians ended up winning 6 to 4. Joe was just a tiny bit disappointed. Oh, and the park is called Progressive Field now.

I always find it a bit painful going to a ballgame during Passover. No hotdogs or beer. I actually had a kosher hotdog without a bun. That stunk. After the game they had a terrific fireworks which we all enjoyed.

I told you a few years back how the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sued Jeffrey, David and me for trademark infringement. That was all pretty silly and definitely not "rock and roll." We changed the name of the organization and the website to Jewsrock.org. I had never been to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame even though I love rock, had been sued by them and once donated something from XM to the place for display. So I guess it was time.

They had a lot of great exhibits and movies. I know that Jack really enjoyed himself. Joe, not so much. But he was a champ and hung in there. We were there for close to 5 hours and we could have used an additional day.

After the Rock Hall we headed to Jane's family's home in the hills of northeastern Ohio. The property is called The Knob. You were there once with Jack and us, and you had a blast. You played the homemade "Toss Across" game they have. You threw bean bags through holes in the wood board.

I showed it to Joe and of course he starts whipping the beanies like they were baseballs. I think he was showing off for Crile, Jane's oldest daughter. I told him that a good method was the underhand toss. Nothing doing.

I guess I've been to the Knob twice before. Once was with you and the other was for Jane and Brian's wedding. I remember that you and Joe hung out at Karen's mom's house during the wedding. The property has been in Jane's family forever. The road that we got on when we exited the highway was called "Crile Road." Crile is Jane's grandmother's family name.

In the bathroom on the first floor of the house there is a photo of Lou Gehrig. There is an inscription from Lou's wife Eleanor to Jane's grandfather. She says that of all of the people who cared for her husband, Lou loved Jane's grandfather the most. He was a doctor - but also an athlete - big and strong like Lou. It truly is an amazing personal tribute and piece of history. It is a cliche, but they don't make heroes like Lou Gehrig anymore. He was an amazing baseball player who just let his performance on the field do the talking. His "quiet" greatness would make a good role model for Joe.

Jane and her whole family (for generations) are just so interesting and impressive. When we were there, Jane showed us a book that her mom and dad just wrote. It says that to live a long and healthy life you shouldn't eat anything with a mom or a face. Yuck. That means no meat or dairy. People who eat like that are called "vegans." Since I can't eat dairy and Mom doesn't eat meat, it makes a lot of sense for us. We're going to try it. We'll see how long we can stick to it. Don't worry. Your brothers still get to eat whatever they want.

Jane is always a delight to be around. She is full of life. Her kids are great too, and it was nice to get to know them. Jack really enjoyed hiking through the woods and learning stuff from Jane. She used to be an Outward Bound instructor and knows so much about the outdoors. Unfortunately, Brian was busy and wasn't able to be there with us over the weekend.

We finally headed out on Sunday morning after some rock climbing and zip lining. On the trip back Mom and I spent some time listening to a book on my iPod called Love Is a Mix Tape by a guy named Rob Sheffield. It is about Rob's wife Renee, who died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism. When I first put it on I was worried Mom was going to say, "not another thing associated with your fixation on death and dying." But she didn't. She actually really liked it. The way Rob describes his love for Renee and their life together, and his sadness at her dying is wonderful. It made me think of you and it made me think of Mom.

Listening to a book really makes the trip easier. We did run into traffic right outside of Hagerstown, Maryland. The cars on the highway just stopped. We listened to the radio and learned that there was an accident on the other side of the road. We figured that it must have been pretty bad considering all of the emergency vehicles that were on the scene. Mom was just praying that the guys wouldn't have to see anything terrible. They cleared it all before we got to the scene.

While we were stopped, I noticed a car next to us that said, "In Memory of Ashley Maria Bellosi 1984-2007" on the back window. The windows were all tinted really dark. You couldn't see the people inside. I was wondering if Ashley's parents were inside.

I think the whole phenomenon of putting that kind of thing on your car, which is totally new, is interesting. I wouldn't do it (though your initials HSG make up the license plate on the Vespa), but it does allow people to honor their loved ones in a way they want - very public. I looked up Ashley Maria Bellosi when I got home and what I learned was so sad and tragic. Ashley was a beautiful young woman in Baltimore who last year was beaten to death by her boyfriend.

Long illnesses, sudden or violent... it all stinks.

Maybe this whole thing is my "In Memory of Henry Strongin Goldberg 1995 - 2002."

This was in the paper today. You were there from the start. David and Jeffrey are really funny.



Rockin' the Torah

By DAVE ITZKOFF

June 5, 2005

"We thought that the highbrow contributions that Jews have made to culture have been amply celebrated," said David Segal, a staff writer for The Washington Post. "We wanted to aim lower." So instead of expending the time, energy and Internet bandwidth to build a Web site dedicated to all the Jews who made their names in the arts, Mr. Segal and the other founders of Jewsrock.org opted for a less ambitious project: a virtual shrine to the sons and daughters of Israel who have practiced rock 'n' roll. Another curator for Jewsrock.org - coming soon, though a beta version has been running for several weeks - is Jeffrey Goldberg, a staff writer at The New Yorker, and its manager is Allen Goldberg (no relation), director of branding and communications at XM Satellite Radio. The site pays semi-serious tribute to rockin' Jews both genuine and honorary, from Bob Dylan and Lou Reed to two-thirds of Sleater-Kinney.

Dubbed the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, until some unpleasant mishegoss involving the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland necessitated a name change ("Is there anything more un-rock 'n' roll than a temporary restraining order?" Mr. Segal asked), Jewsrock.org plans to offer such diverse content as essays on the Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren and the clothier Nudie Cohen; a recipe for chopped liver from the Dictators' frontman, Handsome Dick Manitoba; and even a place where Jewish rock fans can - gasp! - show their decidedly unkosher tattoos. "It's a shanda" - a shame - Mr. Segal admitted. "It's a part of rock 'n' roll culture, and it's totally against tradition, but there are Jewish people out there who just can't resist."

Perhaps the most compelling feature is the online quiz "Jew or Not?" Visitors are shown photographs of well-known rockers and asked to guess whether they're members of the tribe. The quiz says Paula Abdul and Billy Joel are indeed Jewish, as are all four members of the pop-rock band the Knack, and even the woman who inspired their hit 1979 single "My Sharona." (She now sells real estate in Los Angeles.) By the somewhat malleable Jewsrock.org criteria, so too are Beck (a well-known Scientologist), the Strokes guitarist Nick Valensi (who has only a Jewish father) and the punk group New Found Glory (three of their five members actually are), but really, who's kvetching? "We're not operating under rabbinical supervision, let's put it that way," said The New Yorker's Mr. Goldberg. "If we like you, you can be Jewish. I've been wanting someone to write a piece claiming Ozzy Osbourne for the Jews, just so I can put the headline 'Black Shabbos' on it."

I bought Joe a book that I remember liking when I was a kid. It is called "Suppertime" with Snoopy and the Peanuts gang.





I really, really liked it when I was a kid, but honestly I was a little disappointed when it came to reading it to Joe. It wasn't as great as I remember it. Some things are like that. The book is just a bunch of little sayings. I seem to recall there being a Peanuts saying, but it isn't in that book, that "Happiness is a Warm Blanket" or something like that. I think that Love is wanting to share stuff with someone.

Last month I went to this city called Las Vegas. I stayed in a hotel that has lions in the lobby. The lions hang out in a habitat that has glass walls and even a glass floor. You can walk underneath the lions. It was totally cool. I really wanted Joe to be able to see the lions that close. He would have really enjoyed it.

I was lucky enough to spend a little time with Cal Ripken when I was in Las Vegas. I showed him the photos of the two of you and the newspaper article that was written about your visit. I had a lot of trouble not crying when I was telling him about it. I told him how great it was for you to have been able to sit and talk about Pokemon with him. He is a really nice guy. He is doing something with where I work so maybe I'll get to see him again.

Mommy and I went to Uncle Poopy's 40th birthday party. It was kinda like the Cal Ripken thing again. I knew that if I opened my mouth to tell Bill how much he means to me that tears would fall right down my cheeks. So instead I listened to everyone else tell him how special he is and how great it is to know him so long. I sent him powerful brain waves to let him know how I feel. I guess that is kinda funny considering at his wedding I said in my toast that every single day you need to tell the people you love that you love them. It isn't enough to show them you love them you need to tell them, too. I don't know why that is, it just is. Jack said to Mom the other day something like "okay I get it already -- you can stop telling me you love me so much."

Mom's 40th birthday is coming up in another few weeks. I got her the best present. I cannot wait to show you pictures. I hope she like it. I also got her the best Valentine's Day present.



It is just like this one except it is green, like her car. I think she was really surprised. Her life has been so hard - but happy - that I really feel like I need to get her the most extra-special things in the world that make her smile a lot. Remember how you always needed to get a gumball from the one like this at Blockbuster. The one I got Mom takes quarters. I am hoping that will keep Jack and Joe from going gumball crazy.

Mommy had an idea about one of the rooms that is going to be added to the back of our house.



She wants to put an old fashioned candy store in the room and call it Sugar. She is going to make it a really fun place to be. I told her it is a great idea but she needs to take Jack and Joe to the dentist for the rest of their lives. I am not going to do it. I bet when the candy store is finished Mommy will be happy and a little sad. I am sure she would have wanted to share it with you.

Usually at these big birthdays, like someone's 40th, people make speeches or they do movies. I don't think I will be able to say anything at all. It'll be too hard because I'll think of you and I won't be able to talk. I have to look into something I can do that will be nice but doesn't require me to cry.

On Sunday we went to JPDS. They are filming a movie for the school and they wanted Mom and me to talk about you and the school. I just sat there next to Mom and let her talk. She was great. She started to cry a little but I told her she was doing great and should just keep going.

Then on the following day we went to a parent teacher conference at the Gan with Cheryl. She told us that Joe is doing great. She said that he has a very good sense of humor. That is a really good and almost a grown up thing. It made both Mom and me think of you. The two of you are so alike. I asked Mom the other day if she thought Joe would have turned out so much like you if you had lived. I wonder if there would have been room enough under one roof for two cute, funny guys who knew they were cute and funny. Jack is very funny but in a different way. Joe, like you, makes faces and does funny things, while Jack tells jokes.

At one point Cheryl asked us about Joe and you. He talks about you in class and Cheryl just wanted to know what we tell him. Mom explained that we tell Joe that you were his brother but you died. Cheryl said that he is getting near the age when kids are very curious about death. I guess he has a big head start on the other kids in his class.



Mom says what breaks her heart the most is when Joe (often) tells her how he wants you to come to our house to play. The other day Joe asked me if you were still dying. I like that he is aware of you. I am glad that I am doing this so he can read it when he gets older and know you. I wish I had done this while you were alive, though. I was telling someone this weekend that I think it is really interesting that nowadays we can capture so many photos and videos of the people we love and have them to look at after they die. Before, people had only the pictures in their minds, unless they were movie stars. Now if anyone dies we can watch a movie of them everyday if we want.

Mom and I have been working on the Hope for Henry Foundation. Aside from all the great stuff it does, it is just so nice to be able to say your name every day and look at pictures of you. There is a picture of you on all the brochures and other stuff. We even made a website that talks about the Foundation and you, and has a whole bunch of pictures. I know the kids are enjoying the gifts. We ask them afterwards and they tell us great things.



We bought another portable DVD player for us. Funny thing is that I don't have much interest in it. My life used to revolve around the one we bought for you, buying DVDs and keeping it in good running order.

When Mom had her idea about the candy store, I had this idea about putting together a small book about fathers whose kids have died. What made me think of it was reading this book by a doctor who doesn't live too far from here. His name is Gordon Livingstone and two of his sons died. One was older and one was just about your age and died like you, after a bone marrow transplant. The book was very good and I even ordered another one of his books that is just about his sons' death.

I think my book would just feature a page or two for each dad to tell the story of how he was able to live his life after his kid died. Right when someone dies you don't know how or if you want to go on living. But most people do. I think it might be helpful for some people to read about that. It might not be helpful right when your child dies but maybe a few months out. It could be regular dads like me, and some famous ones. That would help sell the book.

I think it is interesting that there are a lot of famous rock and roll stars who have had kids die. Eric Clapton -- he's kinda old now and having another kid --, who I have mentioned to you before, and this guy Robert Plant, who was in a great band, Led Zepplin. You know the Beatles -- Led Zepplin was after them and really good too. One thing I will tell you about at some point is how David and Jeffrey and I got into a little bit of trouble with the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It has come a long way since the meetings that you sat in. Jeffrey and David are so smart and funny that I am sad that we don't get to have those meetings anymore.

Speaking of music, that is another way Joe is a lot like you. Most mornings we drop off Nina, David and Jack at JPDS, and then Joe and I head over to the Gan. It is nice to have this alone time with him. He loves listening to XMKiDs on the radio, and always wants to call up and ask to hear "Piderman" which is this great version of the Spiderman theme by a guy named Michael Buble. You and Jack always listened to the Ramones version. I never had the one from the cartoon. Joe also asks for "Dogs Out," which is "Who Let the Dogs Out." I remember when I bought that for you and Jack in Minnesota. We turned it up loud and had a dance party. Joe also loves Blues Clues. We listen to the CD that I bought for you and Jack. "Things I Love to Do" is my favorite song off there. I have turned Joe onto it too, and he can now sing along.

Another way he reminds me of you is that when we walk into the Gan in the morning he says hello to both of the guards. He is very sociable. He says hello to everyone. We are always there very early so we go down to the Gan space and play catch with the football. Do you remember Natalie, who was in your class. Her brothers, Robbie and Matthew, are there early too and they play catch with us. I love Mom, Jack and my job, but maybe the most fun part of my day is playing with Joe before school. When it is time we walk into the classroom and Joe walks in very close right behind me trying to stay hidden from Cheryl, Jane and Ian, who is the helper like Big D - Dennis was in your class. When he is ready or when he sees someone else playing, Joe comes out from behind me and gets busy with blocks, or trains or animals or whatever the arts and crafts thing for the day is. After a little bit I tell him that I have to go and I get sent off with a huge hug and a smack on the lips. I always feel good after that.

Dear Henry:

Now Jack and David have something terrible in common. They've both lost brothers. Mom is over at the hospital with Cati, Chuck and Rich. It is the hospital where you were born. I bet she hasn't been back since. David and Jack and I went to find Yu-Gi-Oh cards. They were all sold out at Child's Play so we headed over to Sullivans. We struck gold and found the deck that everyone has been waiting to buy. I got Jack and David two different decks and bought one for Jacob Stern. Since Child's Play was sold out, I bet that they'll go fast at Sullivan's, too.

David and Jack are happily playing. I need to get ready for a trip we are all taking to Pittsburgh this weekend to see Cousins Jim and Sam and Baby Jordan. David Segal is meeting us there and we are going to do a little Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame thing while we are there.

I want all the sadness to let up. I cannot believe what Chuck and Cati and David and Nina have to go through now.

Henry, I love you and I miss you. I sure could use a hug from you right now.

Love,

Dad

Dear Henry:

Mom and I went to the cemetery yesterday. It was snowing when we got there. As we pulled up there was a man locking the gate. Mom, and I love her for it, asked the man if he would open back up to let us in. He said he didn't need to. All we had to do was park outside the gate and walk around the wall. Basically, we can come visit any time of day or night.

Here is a picture of where you are buried and the tree next to you. You have shade from the sun and there are nice benches to sit on for people who come out. There were some flower stalks sticking out of the ground by your grave, so someone else has been out there. Mom thinks it might have been Debbie Blum. A marker at the grave says your name. We'll get you something fancier soon. I wonder what it will say. I want people to know right away that you are a kid.





There is a sculpture of Moses nearby. I don't know if I've mentioned this to you before, but I think you have a lot in common with Moses. You brought Amitai and others who will survive transplant (because of the work you and Mom and Mark Hughes did with PGD) to the promised land but you were unable to enter.



Hannah and Aunt Jen and Uncle Dan are in Washington this weekend because we are "unveiling" the fancy plaque on Grandma's grave. She had a marker like yours with her name. Then Pop Pop Teddy got something nicer, and there will be a ceremony tomorrow for everyone to see it. Here is a view from Grandma's grave to your grave. You are very close. It's nice for us; I hope it is nice for the two of you. I am so glad that you are together. Papa Sy's parent's, Nan and Pop are buried not too far away. Mom said you'd love them. There is a lot of family around. Just like when you were alive.







Visiting wasn't as sad as we thought it would be. It doesn't necessarily feel like you are there. I said to Mom that it is more a place where we can go and think about you. I get more sad and feel you more when I go to a place where I know you used to be, where you used to smile and laugh, like our house or school or even someplace like White Flint Mall. Do you remember when we went there to get you the tuxedo for Tim and Catherine's wedding? That was so much fun even though Jack didn't want one and was in a real bad mood. Then he was bummed out after seeing you all dressed up and he realized he didn't have one. He gets stubborn sometimes. Another fun memory of White Flint is KidZone. It used to be called DiscoveryZone. I dropped Zhenny and Joe off there the other day so they could get out of the house. They had so much fun that we decided to take him back today, Saturday, along with Hannah and Jack.

"Attention, attention I've got something to mention." That is what the guy is saying over the loudspeaker at KidZone. Mom went with Joe to Bloomingdales. They are going to buy Mom a winter coat for work and maybe a birthday present for Zhenny. The last time we were here must have been long ago. This place should be called GermZone. Even though you are gone I still cringe when I hear a kid cough or sneeze.







A few hours before we went to the cemetery I was driving home from the printers where Jeffrey, David and I are having the letterhead and business cards printed for The Jewish Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. The printer was in Takoma Park and I was thinking about a bunch of different stuff on the ride home. One thing that crossed my mind was that we should get a dog. Jack and now Joe are big enough to enjoy a dog. I wish we could have gotten one when you were alive. As I was driving along Nebraska Avenue thinking about what kind of dog we might get, a woman ran off the sidewalk out into traffic and smashed into the minivan. To be honest I thought I had killed her. It was very upsetting. I didn't see her until it was too late. I saw her out of the side of my eye, there was a loud bang and she disappeared down onto the street. I slammed on the brakes and came around to see what I could do to help her. There were a lot of people who had run to help. She told me that her husband was a couple of blocks away and I ran as fast as I could to go find him. I remembered back to the day in August when I thought you were dying and I drove so fast to the hospital just to have a chance to say goodbye. I didn't want this woman to be in pain without her husband to comfort her, and I wanted her husband to have a chance to say goodbye if she was hurt really bad.

An ambulance came and they took a long look at her and nothing appeared to be broken or too serious. I was so relieved for her. She had a gash on her forehead, and her wrist looked banged up. Her husband, who I didn't find when I went to look for him but finally showed up, hugged her so tight when he saw her. The woman didn't want to go to the hospital in the ambulance.They were from Williamsburg, Virginia and wanted to wait until they got back home to go see a doctor. I told her that she needed to go before she headed home. How could she know if she was bleeding inside or had a concussion. I finally convinced them to go and they followed me to Georgetown Hospital. I left them at the Emergency Room. I asked if Dr. Foley was on duty and they said no. She was attending when Mom and the police rushed you to Georgetown on August 24th. She is the mommy of Helen, your friend from camp.

The woman who I hit called me yesterday to let me know she was alright. She told me that if she was going to get hit by a car she was glad that it was me. That was nice. I still see in my head the image of her smacking into the car. It was very scary. She crushed the side view mirror into little pieces. If things had happened a half a second sooner she would have been in front of the car instead of the side and she probably would have died. The strangest thing is that a policeman gave her a ticket for not crossing in the crosswalk.

I asked her why she bolted into the street without looking and whe told me she was running after a friend's dog, who got loose. Your brothers are going to have to wait awhile for that puppy.

I wish I had some good news to tell you, but the space shuttle crashed today. All of the astronauts died. Do you remember when we went to Kennedy Space Flight Center at Cape Canaveral. We went up in the space shuttle model. I remember that you got a nifty marble that had the earth on it. We also bought t-shirts that you and Jack wore a lot, and Jack got a great astronaut flight suit. Do you remember meeting astronaut, Cmdr. Jon McBride. He was pilot of Space Shuttle Challenger mission STS-41G which launched on Oct. 5, 1984 with the first crew of seven astronauts. The strange thing is that his wife, Sharon, is from Nacogdoches, Texas. That is the very place where the space shuttle disintegrated today when it reentered the earth's orbit. It is a very sad day for everyone, especially the moms and dads and husbands and wifes and kids of the astronauts who died. You might remember that in one of our science lessons where I would read to you from things I found in the newspaper how I told you how there is an astronaut from Israel. He died today.



Do you remember how you fell off a piece of the playground equipment at Cape Canaveral. You were upset and so were me and Mom. Your chin got the worst of it. You can see it in the photo. But from your smile it looks like you were okay. The cool thing is that Jack said this morning that even though the shuttle crashed he still wants to be an astronaut.