Thank you for this morning.

I woke up at 6:15 am, which is a little too early to wake up on a Saturday morning. I looked over at Mom, who was snoozing away, and I was determined to get some more sleep. I've been really tired lately. I started a new job - which I know I haven't mentioned, but I will - and I have been getting up a little past 5 a.m. I could sleep to 6 a.m. and be okay, but I am waking up early without an alarm because I want to get to work on time (the job is way out in Virginia) and because I am thinking about this new job and what I need to do.

Well this morning I decided I should catch up on the sleep I've been missing. So when I went back to sleep I had a dream and you were in it. That's why I said thanks. Thanks for spending time with me today. In the dream, you were post-transplant and sick, but you were okay at that moment. We weren't dealing with all your medical stuff. I don't remember many of the details, but one strange thing sticks out. We were driving in the car and you handed up to me from the back seat a huge clump, almost a round ball, of your hair. But you had hair - it had grown out - and this was just some extra that was in the back of your head. Not sure what that means.

I woke up at 7:15 am, an hour later. It was great to see you again. I haven't dreamt about you in forever. I bet I could look it up on here.

We are in St. Michaels for Nana and Papa's 50th wedding anniversary. I drove in by myself last night because Mom and Joe went earlier with Andrew, Tracey, Emma and Sam. For some reason I had the best drive. I was listening to Todd Snider, remember the Beer Run guy. I did something I don't normally do and that is play the same songs over and over. Joe used to do that a lot driving me a little crazy, but now that he is getting older he is expanding his repertoire. One of the songs is called Money, Compliments, Publicity.


Money, Compliments, Publicity (Song Number Ten)
From The Excitement Plan
A man once said that the pinnacle of success
Was when you finally lost interest
In money, compliments, and publicity
A noble enough idea I suppose
How on earth he does this heaven only knows
I know I need a lot more of all three of those
Before I'll ever have the nerve to turn up my nose
At any money, or compliments, or publicity

I'm broke as the ten commandments
Sometimes I'm harder to follow
I don't know whether to walk to school or take my lunch
____ wearing my watch, it's true
You may think you see a man who was looking for attention
But you're looking at a man who has lived through a little bit of
Poverty, some anxiety, some scrutiny

If I ever do get my money together
I'm gonna take care of all of my friends
I'll buy an island run a phone line
Call them tell them all to get fucked...oh
That oughta take care of them
Just be me and my money and my compliments and my publicity
Sing with me
Money and compliments and publicity

It's an issue for me
I went to see this therapist
She said just do the best you can do
Do the best you can do
I was hoping for something more specific

A man once said that the pinnacle of success
Was when you finally lost interest
In money, compliments, and publicity
Many years later
Another man will say all that again
But not for the sake of inspring men
But rather cause he's got nine songs and knows he needs at least ten
Before he can go back to town and turn them all in
And get the money, the compliments, the publicity
Money, compliments, and publicity
Money, compliments, and publicity...

Nana and Papa's anniversary is a big accomplishment. It is amazing that people can be together for that long. The ceo at my new job suggested that I walk around and introduce myself to people so I can learn about them and what they can tell me about the company. When I walk to their offices and I see photos of just kids and no husband or wife I get pretty sad. I end up thinking about how hard their lives have been and how hard they must be now.



Death is bad enough; we are truly fortunate not to know divorce in our family. Maybe it's all the hugging and mugging.

I had a dream last night and you were alive. I didn't see you, though.

I met up with Mom at some event and you were asked to leave before I got there, or escorted home by someone in the military who was doing security at the event. You had to leave because you were too boisterous, which means "too loud." I associate that more with Joe and I was struggling with that either in the dream or as I was waking up. I thought it sounded more like Joe but I was wishing it was you.

A little strange and a bit confusing, but I am glad you were battling for a spot in my dreams. It has been a while.

I had a dream this morning. Sue was there and someone else and we were all 3 sitting and talking. Everything was in black and white except for Sue who was dressed in yellow. We talked about what it was like to die. She seemed okay with everything.

I woke up at 6:05 this morning. I was having a nightmare.

I was on an elevator at Johns Hopkins (speaking of, remember how the parking lot elevator was always broken) and it stopped at a few floors. All of the kids on the floors looked like you when you were really sick. I got off on one floor and Grandma was there. She was alive and looked very pretty.

I saw that she was standing with Jack at a bedside. The kid in the bed had died. Jack said that it was his brother. I thought it was you but for some reason I asked if it was you Jack said "no." It was when I realized that it was Joe who died that I started gasping for air and woke up. I was pretty loud I guess because I woke Mom and she asked if I was okay.

You know Mom had a dream that Joe drowned or something a few weeks ago. I guess we are scared of losing him too. The good thing is that Jack is safe in my dreams.

We went to the circus today. Remember the clowns at Hackensack. I know that both Jack and Joe are a little freaked out by clowns so I worried a little bit about that.

The circus was at the Armory which is next to RFK stadium where I grew up going to Washington Senators baseball games and then Redskins football games. I have had some of the best times of my life there including watching the Redskins play (with Uncle Bill) and going to rock concerts with friends.

As we were driving there Joe started asking questions about you and you dying. He wants to know if everyone dies. He wants to know where you are. He wants to know who your parents are. Mom told me that Joe asks her about you every night when they are getting ready for bed. I think she said that Joe thinks you are outside. Mom explains that you are in our hearts. Joe says that he doesn't want to be in our hearts. He is a scared. We have told him that you were very, very sick beyond anything he'll ever experience. Born with sick blood sick; hospital sick; not going to the doctor sick. I think it is interesting that he is afraid of dying and in our nightmares we're afraid of him dying.

We got to the Armory a little early so we went to the store at the stadium where they sell Washington Nationals hats and t-shirts. Jack and Joe got stuff. When Jack put on the Nationals hat I felt a bunch of things going on inside me.



I think it was because that is the hat that the Senators wore when I was growing up. They left town when I was about Jack's age and then I never had a team to root for the rest of my life. The Orioles were just not our team. That isn't fair to do to a kid. I got excited for Jack and for Joe.

Joe and Jack really enjoyed the circus. You know how Joe love animals. The circus has a lot of elephants and lions, his favorites. I know that Jack was psyched when the motorcycles rode around in a steel cage ball. Mom thinks that she and I went to the circus once on a date, but I don't remember. I thought this was my first time going to the circus.

When we got home we walked over to Stoddert and guess who was there playing baseball. Ari, and Jack's buddies Benji and Maxwell, and David Lane all play on a team called the Orioles.



Watching Ari helps me figure out what you'd be like had you lived. You would have been smaller but I don't think about that. I am more interested in how grown up he is. What it is like talking to him. What he knows, what he likes. He is very handsome.



Jack was really wanting to be on that team. We hung out for the entire game. I emailed the Commissioner to see if Jack could be on the Orioles but it doesn't look good. We'll have to work on this.

Mom had two dreams last night. You died in one and it was a terribly sudden death. Joe died in the other dream. I dreamt that you were around and I was sure that you were just a ghost or something until someone told me you were really alive.

I wish Mom could have had my dream instead.

I had a dream last night. We were all leaving the hospital together. We knew you were going to die but you were well enough to leave. When we were all walking to the car I realized that we should go to Disney World. Then I woke up. It was good being with you. It wasn't sad; it was nice.

Today we went to a picnic for the Gan. Joe is starting there in the fall. The picnic was at Discovery Creek at Glen Echo. We haven't been back there since we were there with you. Joe rode the carousel.





He wouldn't go on the carousel at Funland, so this was a big deal. In all of the video of you that I am putting on DVD, there are a lot of carousels. Tonight there was even a real horse. Joe and I watched video that we took of you riding Jester at St. Michaels.

When Mommy was putting Joe to bed tonight he said he wanted the pony to come to our house. Then he said he wanted Henry to come to our house. That made Mommy cry.

I am missing you a whole lot lately. I think it is because of all of the video and the Gan and everything. I have been pretty low, but I am trying really hard to pull myself up.

I love you.

Last night I had a strange dream. Where is Joseph when you need him? I think you were near the end of life. We were driving in a car. Papa Sy was at the wheel. There was snow on the ground. We were at an exit ramp from the highway. I got out and moved a big rolled up carpet out of the road. When we got to wherever we were going Aunt Abby gently carried you out of the car. I wrapped my heavy shirt around you so you wouldn't get cold. Then I woke up. I kept trying to fall back asleep so I'd have more time with you.

I am glad that your last trip outside of the hospital was to a toy store. I know you were miserable but I cannot think of a better destination.

I had a dream last night. You were in intensive care. I said to Mom that we should just take you home. I said that it was obvious that you were not going to live. I said that I didn't want them to poke you any more or put any more lines in you. I said that it would be good to get a clown to come over.

When I told this to Mom this morning she pointed out that it is a change from the way I used to think when you were alive. I never would think or admit to myself that you would die. A lot of people struggle with a balance between "quality of life" and trying to get people to live longer by poking them a lot and giving them a lot of medicine. I used to think that if we just "toughed" it out for a while everything would work out. Your quality of life was good even while we struggled to have you live longer.

Mom told me that she is especially sad right now. Last weekend she told me that she was thinking back to those times that you would insist on going with her when she would go out for a run. The two of you would jog around the block or through the alley. Then you'd come in and rest and she'd go for a longer run. You had a lot of spirit. More than that, you had a lot of love for your mommy. She misses you so much.

Tonight Mom has to travel for work and I am worried that her sadness will be worse away from us. That happens to me. It is Mom's birthday in 10 days. I know that is a rough time, too. We'll be good to her.

Lately, I have really wanted to come out to the cemetery. I think not writing makes me feel even more disconnected from you.

I love you.

When I told Jack tonight that I had a dream about Grandma he told me about a dream he had of you. He said that he dreamt that he was walking over to David's house in the morning to go to school and you were walking next to him. Then he asked me how you would fit in Chuck's car. I said that you guys would sit 3 across.

These certificates came in the mail today. Your brother Jack is a really good kid. I like spending time with him. He is turning into a really good skater. I think he has Nana and Uncle Peter's skating genes. Do you remember Nana's speed skating medal that she gave you?



Jack planted this tree for the Israeli astonaut who died when the space shuttle crashed. They just found parts of his diary. They floated to earth after the shuttle exploded. I have to think that his family was sad, but excited to have this. The American's gave it to the Israeli army to translate. I bet Jack could have translated it for them.