I'm going through a lot of notes that I've written to you and I'm going to try and get it all online. Here is something I wrote

I was trying to mute how I was feeling by cranking up.

I am guessing that I was sad and the way I dealt with it was turning up the music - probably in the car - so loud that I couldn't think... or feel.

This is the background on my login on the computer in the basement.