Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Dear Henry:

I drove by Daniel's house this morning. I know you missed him a lot when you both left The Gan and went to different schools. When life became no fun for you, you talked a lot about Daniel and the good old days. You were so young to be nostalgic for the past. That is called "reminiscing." I do that in my own way. When life is really hard I think back to when life was easy. Sometimes I think about when I was in my twenties. Sometimes I think about the years before your transplant. I'm sure in a little while when I reminisce about when life was easy I will think back to the past seven years with you.

I had to drive by Daniel's house this morning because I needed to drop off Jack's blanket at Debbie Barr's house. Jack is out in St. Michaels with Mommy and Nana and Papa Sy. Debbie is going out to St. Michaels later today and will deliver Jack's blanket. I wonder when he'll grow out of that. Joe is a blanket fiend. Unlike you or Jack, Joe insists on bringing his blanket everywhere. I used to try to get him to leave it in his crib, but I get nowhere with that stubborn little brother of yours. He drags it with him everywhere. I don't know if Mom and I will have the strength to wean (that means to get him to gradually stop using it) him from his blanket and pacifier when the time comes.

I just talked to Mom on the phone. Jack is out fishing. I hope he catches something.

I am super sad these days. Mom keeps saying that we are moving from the shock of you dying to learning how to live without you. Normally when I think about you during the day either I cannot accept that you've died or I think that it is okay. Right now I all I think about is how it is not okay.

All I do is miss you. I feel like I am always on the verge of tears. I took Jack for a haircut this weekend at Bradley Barbershop. I sat with Joe in a chair across from Jack. Joe stood on my thighs and studied his face in the mirror behind us. I looked up and down the row at all of the little boys getting little boy haircuts. Their dads all watched them. I thought back to every haircut you ever got. I thought about the haircuts you had when your hair had fallen out a second time and you looked so scraggly. You fell out of the chair and the woman cutting you hair was very worried. I helped you back up. After a while you got settled in and before long you were beaming. I am angry that you had to look so beat up. I am sorry that you got old enough to know and care. I am so proud that you tried to not let it bother you. I pulled Joe close and buried my face in his stomach. Thank god for Joe. My shield.

Here is a picture of you getting your first-ever haircut. Robert has cut my hair for the past 18 years. I brought you to him right before your last day of kindergarten. I remember I was a little desperate to try to get you looking a little better because you had been through a rough spell.

I love you,


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