Saturday, April 09, 2005

I woke up at 6:05 this morning. I was having a nightmare.

I was on an elevator at Johns Hopkins (speaking of, remember how the parking lot elevator was always broken) and it stopped at a few floors. All of the kids on the floors looked like you when you were really sick. I got off on one floor and Grandma was there. She was alive and looked very pretty.

I saw that she was standing with Jack at a bedside. The kid in the bed had died. Jack said that it was his brother. I thought it was you but for some reason I asked if it was you Jack said "no." It was when I realized that it was Joe who died that I started gasping for air and woke up. I was pretty loud I guess because I woke Mom and she asked if I was okay.

You know Mom had a dream that Joe drowned or something a few weeks ago. I guess we are scared of losing him too. The good thing is that Jack is safe in my dreams.

We went to the circus today. Remember the clowns at Hackensack. I know that both Jack and Joe are a little freaked out by clowns so I worried a little bit about that.

The circus was at the Armory which is next to RFK stadium where I grew up going to Washington Senators baseball games and then Redskins football games. I have had some of the best times of my life there including watching the Redskins play (with Uncle Bill) and going to rock concerts with friends.

As we were driving there Joe started asking questions about you and you dying. He wants to know if everyone dies. He wants to know where you are. He wants to know who your parents are. Mom told me that Joe asks her about you every night when they are getting ready for bed. I think she said that Joe thinks you are outside. Mom explains that you are in our hearts. Joe says that he doesn't want to be in our hearts. He is a scared. We have told him that you were very, very sick beyond anything he'll ever experience. Born with sick blood sick; hospital sick; not going to the doctor sick. I think it is interesting that he is afraid of dying and in our nightmares we're afraid of him dying.

We got to the Armory a little early so we went to the store at the stadium where they sell Washington Nationals hats and t-shirts. Jack and Joe got stuff. When Jack put on the Nationals hat I felt a bunch of things going on inside me.

I think it was because that is the hat that the Senators wore when I was growing up. They left town when I was about Jack's age and then I never had a team to root for the rest of my life. The Orioles were just not our team. That isn't fair to do to a kid. I got excited for Jack and for Joe.

Joe and Jack really enjoyed the circus. You know how Joe love animals. The circus has a lot of elephants and lions, his favorites. I know that Jack was psyched when the motorcycles rode around in a steel cage ball. Mom thinks that she and I went to the circus once on a date, but I don't remember. I thought this was my first time going to the circus.

When we got home we walked over to Stoddert and guess who was there playing baseball. Ari, and Jack's buddies Benji and Maxwell, and David Lane all play on a team called the Orioles.

Watching Ari helps me figure out what you'd be like had you lived. You would have been smaller but I don't think about that. I am more interested in how grown up he is. What it is like talking to him. What he knows, what he likes. He is very handsome.

Jack was really wanting to be on that team. We hung out for the entire game. I emailed the Commissioner to see if Jack could be on the Orioles but it doesn't look good. We'll have to work on this.

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