Tuesday, January 14, 2003

Dear Henry:

I am having scrambled eggs and used your salt shaker to put salt on them. I bet you are the only kid in Washington, DC with his own personalized salt shaker. I am so glad I bought that for you. I am also glad that I kept getting you chips and tortillas every day for lunch. Mom and I haven't gone to Cactus Cantina since you died. I think we are scared or something. Cactus Cantina must not understand why they now have so many chips left over at the end of the day. I bet the waitresses are wondering where you are. We also haven't been back to Max's Ice Cream since they got back from vacation. We are definitely too scared to go in there and see Max and Marsha. It takes a certain strength to be so sad and we are a little drained. Somebody, probably Debbie, must have told them about you by now so it might be a little easier. The gas station opened up again on the corner. I don't know why they didn't put something fun in that space instead. I guess it is a good thing that it isn't a Starbucks. I was thinking the other day that you were such a grown up because you liked going to Starbucks for hot chocolates and I was such a little kid because I don't drink coffee and have no reason to go to Starbucks. A lot of people have said you were an "old soul" which is a good thing. You were a wise, lovely grown up in a little boys body. Dr. Wagner always said you were a 30 year old disguised as a kid.

Mom went back to work yesterday. It was hard for her. I came by and had lunch with her and then brought Jack over after school. She said her desk was just how she left it with photos of you and Jack and Joe and your artwork and notes all around her. Yesterday I went to Baltimore to meet some people and that brought back so many memories of last year. I started to cry just as I came to the exit for 695 north to Towson. Do you remember how stressed I used to get because we had to be there exactly one hour after you took your medicine. We never knew when there would be traffic or an accident. I am sorry we put you through all of that PUVA, but at least we got snow cones and got to play with that Hogwarts castle. Remember how you had to wear sunglasses to protect your eyes. You looked so cool. I know all of that was no fun for you. You never complained.

I drove into the city and saw the science center -- I have to find the picture of you and the giant crab -- and the hot air balloon at Port Discovery. I am so glad we went up in the balloon. We went so high! We saw the whole city and we found the hospital from up there. That place had the worst elevators for being the world's greatest hospital. "You are in the Weinberg Garage, please take your ticket with you." Do you remember how you always brought the parking ticket up to the lady when we would be leaving. She'd give you some kind of candy, except I think she was out the last time we were there.

Mom and I have been talking about visiting the cemetery. We'll come see you soon. I can't believe you aren't in the next room. I couldn't sleep last night. I would look over at the clock and it would say 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 and I finally got out of bed at 5:00 and went downstairs and watched some TV. It is 7:00 am and I better go wake up mom and Jack. Jack doesn't want to go on the bus anymore. He also wants to quit Tae Kwon Doe and we took him to a birthday party this weekend and he wouldn't go in. He seems really sad so we aren't forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to. He'll come around when he is ready. I wonder how cousin Hannah is doing. She is like a sister to you guys and she was there for everything, like Jack. I'm gonna call Aunt Jen and check on her. Maybe she can talk with Jack. To be totally honest I sometimes get a little disappointed that Jack isn't more like you. You guys are SO different but were born so close together. I appreciate what is special about Jack and I know it isn't fair but I think what this is really about is how much I miss you. Last night for the first time in a long while Jack reminded me of you. Joe kept coming up behind him trying to grab him around the waist. If I didn't know any better I'd say he was trying to hug Jack. At first Jack couldn't be bothered but then he turned around and saw Joe had the big wiffle ball (the one you used to whack so far even though you like the smaller balls better) and realized Joe wanted to play catch. Jack took the ball from Joe and then threw it back to him. I am not kidding when I tell you that everytime he threw it to Joe he bopped him right on the head. Jack and Joe are genetic matches and Joe got the same rock hard head gene as Jack. Each bop on the head made Joe laugh. It was very cute. Jack was being so sweet with Joe and I couldn't help but be proud of him and think of you and how good you were with Joe.

We had a desk built down in the basement. It should be finished today. Mom originally wanted it built for you to use for your lessons because you couldn't go to school.

It is so cold out and I want so much for you to be warm.

I love you so much,


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