Thursday, January 16, 2003

Dear Henry:

It is 2:38 am and blogger is down so I cannot post this right now. I can't sleep. I am just laying here in bed thinking about you. I don't want to take the medicine that helps me fall asleep. Actually mom is up too. She is in pain from going to the dentist today. Ouch. When you were up this late, which was way too often, I'd usually put on a movie for you. Normally, I'd fall back asleep but you'd watch whatever it was all the way to the end.

Mom went to the dentist to fix some stuff that went wrong in Minnesota. I feel bad for her 'cause she hurts so much. She is also very upset right now thinking about you. It bothers me that you were in such pain. I hope I was good to you when you didn't feel well. I can never understand why Mom always beats herself up that she isn't the perfect mom, when she is. I always say, "c'mon, don't be silly." But now I have all of these doubts about how comforting I was to you when you didn't feel well. I worry that I was too cranky all the time. I have to remember doing things like running out to Sears right before they closed at 10 at night to get you an electric blanket because you were cold. Hopefully I am just being like mom but honestly I am a little freaked out. I think that because I have no more time with you that I sometimes focus on the times when I was too hard on you. It is pretty silly but I can't help it. One thing sticking in my mind was when we took that walk to the market right before we left for Minnesota. We had a really nice walk there but then you said you couldn't walk anymore and had to go to the bathroom. I wans't too happy about carrying you all the way home (hey, you're a big guy) and thought you were just manipulating me. Of course you had diahrrea the second we got back in the door. I screwed up. I shouldn't have doubted you and I am so sorry. Mom says that I sometimes did this because I was so hopeful. I didn't want it to be that you were in pain or not doing well. I am still so sorry.

Coincidentally I went with Jack to Dr. Dana today. Her helper asked him,"how is your brother?" I think I looked at her funny and then said, "oh, his baby brother Joe is doing great, thanks." She walked out for a moment and then came back in and quietly apologized to me. Dr. Dana must have told her what happened. The good thing is she didn't feel embarrassed, which she shouldn't have been. Dr. Dana was sad. I told her how you finally did get those 5 teeth pulled when you were having surgery for something else. I didn't tell her how well you made out with the tooth fairies. You must have cleared $30 a tooth!

Jack had another really tough time at the dentist. It was one of those times I wish he were just a tiny bit more like you. He got HYSTERICAL, I mean crying, thrashing, gotta be held down hysterical, when he was having his teeth brushed and flourided. Mom thinks that all of his problems like this and getting his throat cultured come from his experiences with you with doctors. She is probably right, but Jack has also been this way with baths and haircuts. It makes me feel really sad to see him so sad. I wish some of those things weren't so hard for him. I remember one time when they were changing your IV in the procedure room on the floor at Boston Children's when you were 6 months old for your heart surgery that you got so hysterical that you fell asleep in my arms in the middle of it all. You got so worked up were expending so much energy fighting the nurses that you just fell asleep. It was truly amazing.

After the dentist I took Jack to Tae Kwon Do. I was a little nervous about going there because I did not want to cry when I saw Mr. Kim. He's a tough guy in a good way. Cindy was there. I asked her if there are any days that go by that she doesn't think about her sister, Jenny, who died. She said she thinks about Jenny every day but now there are days when she thinks about her and isn't sad. Cindy says some days will go by when she only thinks something happy or funny about Jenny. That is something to look forward to. Jack didn't want to do the class when we got there but after a watching Nicky-Picky and the other kids for a while he finally decided to join in. Cindy said that Jack can't be convinced to do anything; he has to convince himself.

Mr. Kim came over to me and said how sorry he was and how much he enjoyed teaching you. I told Mr. Kim that one of your (and mom's and my) proudest days was when you got your first stripe. You were just so proud. You worked so hard and knew all of your white belt basics. I loved watching you in class with Mr. Kim. I am sorry about the days when you were too tired. You showed a lot of guts and Mr. Kim knew that and so did I. I can see in my mind you doing your form. Remember how we used to show Mom when she got home.

How am I going to sleep. How am I not going to sit here and want to keep talking to you. What I really want to do is hold you. I love you so very much. The battery is almost out so I need to stop for now. I want to kiss you good night. I'll give mom a kiss and think of you. Please think of me and remember how much I love you.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love,


p.s. Norman said we can come look at the pictures he took of you at the beach. I want to put one on the top of this. Maybe the one where you are all wrapped up in my arms on the back deck. That is a nice one. I am glad we have that hanging up. I took it down when we got home from Minnesota and hugged it. I miss you.

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