Wednesday, January 01, 2003

Dear Henry:

It is a new year. The first in 7 years without you. We went to Uncle Andy and Aunt Abby's beach house with everyone, Michael, Rachel, Emma, Joshua and Sam for the past two days to celebrate the New Year. All the cousins were as crazy as ever. They need your calming influence. Everyone misses you a lot. I didn't want to go, but we need to be fair to Jack, who wanted to see all of your cousins. We had an okay time, but Mom and I cried the whole time we were there. I was thinking back to the time this summer when everyone went to the beach and you and Emma and I stayed back at the house and hung out around the pool. Remember that time. It was really nice. You swam in the pool with the great Speedo vest. You and I took naps and had a lot of quiet time together. I cannot believe you are not here.

I cried today when I saw an ambulance come to help someone at a store. She worked there and wasn't feeling too well. It made me think of you and I got so sad.

Joe is being very cute. He continues to remind me of you. Uncle Andy thinks he looks like Jack back when Jack was a little guy. Joshua is going to be 4 years old this month. I told Mom that I couldn't believe you were 4 when we first went to Minnesota. She said that you were always very grown up for your age. She is right. I am glad you were so grown up.

Jack and Joe and I went to Wal Mart yesterday. You loved Wal Mart and Target. Mom got you a Target credit card and put it in your wallet. I wonder where the little Target dog is that I got for you in Minnesota. Do you remember how we put the picture of Mom in the holder around its neck. It is very cute. Just like you.

Jack is in our room right now and he won't go to sleep. He has to get up early and go to school for a full day for the first time since you died. I don't know how to get him to go to bed. In fact he is getting me so frustrated that I am going to just sit back, say nothing and let Mom handle it. I don't want to get upset with him because I know he is just scared and sad. Oops, Mom just made me put Jack to bed. She lost her patience. What a switch. I carried him to his bed and snuggled with him and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't talk. I suggested to him that he count sheep as a way to fall asleep. I wish he could meditate the way you used to do with Dr. Mendelson. It was great the way you would sit on your bed and rest your arms on your knees and say "ommmm." You even did that when we were in Minnesota.

I cannot help Jack right now 'cause he won't talk to me. He has walked back in our room and is jumping up and down on the floor of our room and making things fall. I wish you could talk to him. Mom says she'll take him back to his room and try snuggling. Let's wish her/them luck.

I don't feel much like celebrating anything. The New Year meant nothing. Jack's birthday party is this weekend and there'll be a lot of screaming, crazy kids in the house (a lot who I won't know) and I am not too psyched about that either. I don't especially want anyone touching your stuff. Maybe they won't. I'll hide the Pokemon. But I need to be good and fair to your brother. We're going to talk to Wendy at the clinic to see if she will talk to Jack about how he is feeling. He has bad dreams just like me.

One good thing to report is that it has been very warm. It was 70 degrees at the beach yesterday. You would have loved it. Mom got you a new blanket for your bed. It looks really warm and comfy. I wish I could go in there and snuggle with you now. I miss you big fella. Please feel me hugging you.

Love, love, love


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